Agony
by cardi-is-clumsyy
Summary: Dan couldn't control himself. Phil wishes he didn't believe it, but he saw it before his eyes. (Rated M for swearing and teensy sexual references)
1. Agony

A/N: I've been listening to Sleeping With Sirens for about 45 minutes, so I'm in the mood to write some hardcore heartbreak. WARNING: a lot of screaming and over-use of italics.

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**Agony**

I stumbled through the hallway blindly. My heart was racing, my blood was boiling, my stomach was churning. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. It was impossible.  
I was furious, my vision was tinted red.  
Behind me I could hear HIM calling from his room, the rustle of his clothes as he struggled to make himself decent. "Wait, Phil!" He shouted.  
I could hear his footsteps thudding against the floorboards, then a gentle hand touching my shoulder.  
"Don't touch me." I growled, shrugging him off and continuing to walk briskly down the hallway. He grabbed onto my shoulder then, refusing to let me walk away.  
"I said _DON'T TOUCH ME_!" I screamed, spinning around to face him, my eyes burning. He stumbled backwards. He was terrified, I could see it in his eyes. Good. We stared at each other for a few seconds. I pumped all my hatred into the stare, while he just looked at me blankly. Then I heard the soft patter of a girl's footsteps across the hallway, and a timid voice called out, "Dan?"  
Both of our heads snapped around to look at her. She'd had the decency to wrap a blanket around her naked frame, and she was staring at Dan something close to a rabbit that had been spotted by a fox.  
Dan jerked his head to the front door. "Get out, Kayla." He snapped. 'Kayla' reached out to touch Dan, but he slapped the hand away.  
"Dan..." she whispered.  
"I said get OUT, Kayla! Fuck off!"  
She seemed to whimper before she scampered back into the bedroom. I heard her get dressed and leave, but I didn't pay her any attention. I was too busy with Dan. I stared right into his eyes again, struggling to find the words to express just how disgusted I was. We were silent for maybe seconds, maybe hours, until I spoke. I took another step forward so that we were almost nose to nose.  
"You whore." I spat, and I felt a strange pleasure as the pain I had inflicted with those words flitted across his face.  
"You filthy _whore_. You just can't control yourself, can you?! The first girl to bat her eyelids at you, you'll sleep with! You're disgusting."  
Dan took a shaky breath, "Please Phil, let me explain-"  
"There's nothing to explain!" I interrupted, my voice getting gradually louder, "There is _no_ valid excuse for what you did! You did the lowest, most pathetic thing you could do in _any_ relationship! You cheated on me! You slept with that _slut_! In _our_ bed!"  
Tears were brimming in Dan's eyes. It was painful to see him so hurt, but my pain was overriding his. "I gave you _everything_! I _never_ even _thought_ about _any_ other person while I was with you, Dan! I _never_ doubted you! I _trusted _you! I _LOVED_ YOU!" I was shouting now, my voice shrill and blood-curdling.  
Dan visibly flinched, "Loved?" He repeated.  
I laughed without humour, "You expect me to feel anything but _hatred_ towards you after what you've done?! Yes, I still love you. I may always will, but I'm working on it." I hissed the last few words.  
Tears were streaming down both of our face now, our breath short and ragged. "Please, Phil." Dan begged, "Please listen to me?"  
I growled, "Just shut up. Shut up and get out! I want you out of this house and out of my life! You disgust me!"  
Dan gave me a broken look, and I knew I had torn him apart. He took one long breath, and then took a step forward, going for a last kiss. I pushed him away with both hands, "Don't even bother." I snarled.  
That was when Dan visibly crumbled, and gave a huge, heaving sob. He cast me one last glance before turning on his heels and sprinting out of the apartment.  
When I heard the door slam, I let out the pained sob I'd been holding back for what felt like years. I stumbled backwards and my back hit the wall, and I doubled over, wrapping my arms tightly around my stomach when the tsunami tides of pain washed over me again.  
I wept loudly for a while, then raised my head and screamed. I screamed and screamed until my lungs were empty, then continued until I fainted. It was a scream so pained and so hateful the darkest creatures of this world ran for the shadows.  
It was the sound of agony.

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A/N: trololololololololololololol ololololo(oh pls review)lolololololololololololololo lolololololololololol


	2. Come Home

By the time I had woken up again I knew Dan was long gone. Not that I cared. Not that I wanted him back.

Who am I kidding?

The ache of... was it longing... in my chest where my heart is (although it could have been missing, the pain makes it hard to tell) was growing stronger by the minute, fuelled by the constant reminder of what Dan did. There was really nothing I could do but curl up on the hard floor and sob.

It took a long time until I my tears had slowly run dry, and an even longer time to drag myself onto my feet and into the bathroom.  
I placed my hands at either side of the sink and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I looked like shit. My eyes were red and my hair was messy and knotted. My face was tear-stained and a ghostly white.  
I sighed and turned the tap on, splashing cold water on my face, hoping to wake myself up and calm myself down. My breaths were more like short gasps and every so often a quiet whimper.  
I saw a flash of silver in the corner of my eye.  
I glanced momentarily down at the razor lying beside the sink, glinting menacingly, and before I could stop myself my hand reached for it.  
"No!" I told myself, "You left this path long ago. Don't start this again." I looked longingly at the razor again before forcing myself away from the sink and out of the bathroom, breaking into a run as I left the room.  
I sprinted into the living room and threw myself onto the sofa, curling up again and willing myself to stay away from that razor. I wouldn't send myself back to that world of drowning in my own blood. I wouldn't. I couldn't.  
I noticed something squished uncomfortably under my hip and twisted around until I could pull it out from underneath my body. It was grey and round and soft. Totoro.  
I whimpered and pulled the toy tightly to my body. It still had Dan's scent on it. I felt tears threatening to fall so I clenched my eyes shut.  
"Pull yourself together, Phil." I scolded myself aloud, "Don't be such a pussy. Dan won't have shed a single tear since last night..." I trailed off. Somehow, deep inside, I knew that that was not true.  
Dan.  
I had caused him so much pain last night. But why should I pity him? He cheated. He broke my heart and he means nothing to me now. I really don't give a shit about him any more.

Why do I keep lying to myself?

I sighed, loud and long, then pushed myself up onto my feet. "You need to talk to someone." I told myself. "Not Dan, but someone."  
I turned my whole body and stared and my mobile lying on the living room table. "PJ" I thought aloud, "I'll call PJ."  
I quickly grabbed my phone and dialled PJ's number, and waited impatiently as it rang.  
Ring  
Ring  
Ring  
Ri-  
"Hello?"  
"PJ?"  
"Oh, uh, hi Phil..."  
"Hi."  
A few seconds silence followed, and I was about to speak when I heard a quiet voice in the background, followed by PJ's muffled words, "Yes, Dan, it is him."  
"Dan?" I suddenly felt something hot and burning inside of me and I had no idea what it was. "Dan's there with you?!"  
"Phil," PJ soothing voice quickly put out the flames in me, "Do you want to talk to him?"  
"T-talk?" I didn't know. What would be best? I squirmed under the sudden pressure, "I-I wouldn't know what to say..."  
PJ's voice went muffled again, "Dan, wanna talk to him?" I could just make out.  
I couldn't hear the reply.  
PJ started speaking again, "Okay, Phil? Here's Dan."  
Then there was the rustle of movement as the phone was pressed against a new ear. "P-Phil?" His voice was timid, and quiet, and hesitant, but it was still his. "Dan." I breathed out and I felt no pain anymore. The logic in my head was telling me that I should be furious. I should be raging and shouting and swearing. But all I could do was feel calm relief. "Phil, I'm sorry-" Dan began, but I interrupted him. "I know you are, Dan," I said softly, "I truly do. But sorry isn't good enough."  
I heard a deep breath, "What is, then?"  
"Nothing." I replied, "There is nothing you can say to make me forgive you. But you can make it better."  
"How?"  
"Why did you do it?" I said without hesitation. Dan sighed, "Because... because I wasn't thinking straight. I'd had a few drinks and this girl came up and starting grinding all up against me and I was horny and I was drunk and weak and stupid and I'm sorry. I know it won't make it better but I want you to know I've never regretted anything so much in my life, and I have a lot to regret. I only love you, Phil. I've never loved anyone more. If I had to choose between you and the world I'd choose you. Please believe me, Phil. I would never lie to you. I've hurt you too much already."  
I took a shaky breath. I was close to tears. "Do you want to... to talk about it."  
I could almost hear Dan smile in relief, "I'll be home in ten."  
Home.


	3. I'm Sorry

I sat on the couch twiddling my thumbs nervously and tapping my foot nervously. Two cups of gradually cooling tea sat on the coffee table. Where was he? I sighed loudly.  
"What's taking him so long?" I grumbled aloud. I was getting impatient.  
As if on cue the rhythmic tap of Dan's signature knock rattled confidently on the front door.  
I jumped up and rushed to the door in an insane mixture of excitement, nerves and relief. "Pull yourself together Phil." I scolded myself mentally, "You're meant to be furious at him. Remember the reason this all happened in the first place?!"  
I quickly composed myself and opened the door calmly.  
"Phil." Dan said softly, staring at me as if he hadn't seen me in years. I felt my lungs empty in a long, relieved sigh as I layed eyes on him. As perfect as always. All negative emotions were forgotten, replaced with only the warm feeling that comfort and safety carried with them.  
"Dan." I breathed. "I missed you." He whispered, still staring, not moving.  
"It was only a day." I pointed out.  
"It felt like forever."  
Dan moved too quickly for me to react. Within seconds he was through the door and had kicked it shut, grabbing me by the waist and pushing me up against the door, kissing me roughly.  
I remained motionless for a second, paralyzed with the intitial shock, and when I finally realized what was going on, I kissed back.  
"What am I doing!?" The logical side of my brain was screaming at me to stop. To push Dan away and hit him for kissing me after all these recent... "events". But the screaming was dulling into a quiet muffled whisper, all I could see, smell, hear, feel and taste, was Dan.  
After a while of mental wrestling, Logical Side won and I shoved Dan off of me roughly. I wiped my lips.  
"Dan, we need to _talk_." I emphasized the 'talk'.  
Dan nodded, suddenly looking shy and embarrassed, "Right, yeah, sorry..." He muttered apologetically.  
I smile at him softly and walk into the living room, listening to his footsteps to make sure that he was following.  
I sat down on the couch and he sat next to me. I turned to look at him and he did the same.  
For a while we just stared.  
I re-discovered every detail of Dan's face as we sat in a perfect silence. Yes, we needed to talk. But not now. Now was time to look.  
After what could have been seconds or days, Dan broke the silence, sighing loudly and turning away, and instead looking down at his hands folded in his lap.  
"I know saying sorry will be pointless." Dan said, "and I know I've already said it so many times, but I am." Dan looked back up at me and his eyes were full of tears.  
"I know you are." I truly meant it, I knew he was sorry. I knew he was more sorry about this than he had ever been about anything. "But we both know-"  
"That that isn't enough." Dan finished. Just like an old couple, always finishing eachothers sentences. I almost laughed at the irony.  
"I know it isn't. What I don't know is, what is?" Dan asked quietly.  
I shrugged, "An explanation?" I offered. "What really happened? Tell me the truth."  
Dan nodded and looked back at his hands. "Well, you know how I went to Tom's and he said he was inviting a few people that I didn't know?" I nodded.  
"Well when I got there Tom had bought lots of booze and I didn't realise we would be drinking, and so I was only going to have one beer but then people kept talking me into having more and this Kayla was rubbing all up against me and I had drank about ten times the amount I had meant to and then she dragged me into the spare room and sucked me off and then she asked if there was anywhere more private so someone drove us back home and the rest is a b-blur."  
Dan finished his confession with a heaving sob. He brought his knees up to is chest and curled up into the sofa.  
"I'm so, so, sorry Phil!" He whimpered through sobs, turning his head to look me in the eyes. His eyes were red and glassy and his cheeks were stained with tear tracks. I could practically hear my heart breaking.  
"Sh, sh it's okay," I hushed, scooting over and wrapping my arms around Dan, pulling him into my chest, "Well, no, it's not. It's really not okay. But sh, don't cry."  
I kissed his forehead and rested my chin on his head, rocking him softly and whispering comforting words as Dan's weeping slowed to dry whimpers.  
We sat in silence, whimpering and hushing the only sound penetrating the silence.  
Eventually, Dan pulled back and stared into my eyes. "I'm sorry." He whispered, putting every emotion into those words.  
I smiled softly and soothingly at him, lifting a hand to cup his cheek. "I know." I whispered softly before pressing our lips together.


	4. Just Forget

A/N: I am so sorry for not updating! I've either been really busy or I just couldn't find the motive... but I've written a fluffy chapter as apology, so hopefully you can forgive me? Please?

I glanced at the alarm clock. 07.34. Fifty eight minutes since I first woke up. This is the first in a long time I've been awake before 11am.  
I looked down at the head rested on my chest for what felt like the millionth time. He was truly beautiful. His soft brown hair fanned across his forehead and my chest, his face a picture of pure innocence and tranquility. I really am in love with him.  
I've always known it, of course. I've told both him and everyone else that so many times. But know as I stare at his sleeping figure I can truly appreciate just how much affection I held for this man. I was torn away from my musings as Dan stirred in his sleeping, mumbling something that sound suspciously like "Phil..." and tightened his arm around me, nuzzling into my chest.  
I eased an arm around his shoulders and rubbed his arm, soothing him. He raised his head and squinted at me sleepily, his hair mussed and messy and an adorabely confused look on his face. "What time is it?" He muttered dozily, sitting up and dragging himself up so his head was lying next to mine.  
"7.41." I whispered softly, pecking him on the nose and throwing an arm around him, pulling him against me. "Too early to get up." He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his face into my neck, "Snuggle time?"  
"Isn't it always?" I murmured, stroking his hair and pressing my lips to his temple.  
Dan sighed happily, nuzzling into my shoulder. "Times like these make me happy." He muttered. He paused, thoughtful. "Any time spent with you makes happy." He corrected himself, raising his head and peeking up at me through his fringe. I simply smiled in response.  
"Phil?" He continued.  
"Yes, love?"  
Dan smiled at me, almost sadly. "I'm sorry." He said.  
I frowned, "Stop it, Dan. It was a mistake, let's not discuss it again."  
Dan grimaced, "But I'll never forgive mysel-"  
"And I'll never forgive you if you refuse to let me forget!" I interrupted impatiently. "It's the past, Dan. I know you're sorry. Now please, let me forget!"  
Dan smiled sheepishly, "Sorry."  
I rolled my eyes and grinned, "Come here, you idiot!" I whispered, placing a hand on the back of Dan's neck and guiding his lips to meet mine. 


End file.
